Stuff Josh Says

Short of you tossing one of them on the table and sitting on her mouth, its pretty much the perfect day.  Yes invite them.

Carlos, when you are done I need my Pedo outfit back.  Please wash the blood out this time.

Hand me the remote.  It's time to give Bullet Facials in Call of Duty.

Seriously, who surfs? It's literally the only sport on earth where one of the risks is actually being eaten by a dinosaur.

Dim the lights and get the funnel.  This is gonna be epic.

I hope to GOD this guy has had a vasectomy.  How do you make it to 35 and still not know how to chew your food?  You literally have a pickle on your forehead you asshole.

Tiffany: (whispers to me) Omg that guy's ears are huge...
Josh: Well don't say it outloud then.  With those things he probably just heard you.

If this chick blinks any more she's going to have lift off.

Irony.

Damn it's not a first date.  Just hit it.

I like how Obama makes it illegal to not have an insurance card and everyone is cool with it. But carrying the ID that proves who you are the person on that card upsets people.  lol

"I don't know what is happening just off camera there but I'm pretty sure I can guess what it is and it rymes with oral sex."

"I sort of have selective hearing.  Similar to humans not being able to hear certain high pitches.  Once someone starts talking to me about marriage it gets filtered out.  Even reading the word marriage doesn't work. It's like selective dyslexia."

"Grab the Peanut Butter and the Dwarf.  This is gonna be awesome."

"Well yea having aids would suck.  I'm just saying that if I ever did get aids I'd find other people with aids and have sex with them.  The only down side of course is that a mutant strain of aids would probably develop where your penis would just explode the moment you penetrate."

Can we stop pretending that 18 is some magical age and anything prior it girls are so helpless and retarded that they could not possibly grasp the full concept of sex or handle the emotional baggage that comes with it.  Joan of Ark was 17 when she won back Orleans from the English.  I'm pretty sure she deserved some dick after that ordeal.  18 is a number that we made up.  It's not like GOD screwed up by making girls hit their biological prime between 13-20.

Feel free to change places with me if this offends your delicate little sensitivities.  By all means pony up the 700.00/month to pay for dates and entertainment that I have to expense year after year.  You are the first to be released in a hostage situation.  You are the last to die in a fire.  Excuse me if I get on average an extra 1.25/hour.

News flash.  You have no guy friends.  Do you think it's a strange coincidence that guys never have "girl friends"that weigh 245lbs or have 11 toes?  Don't be an idiot.

"The key is finding a girl that has been molested just enough that she is fantastic in bed but not so much that she is difficult socially."

"I love how the same people who who can't believe in the science of global warming do believe in the concept of religion.  At least the first one doesn't involve talking snakes."

"I literally have a band of Ninjas fighting inside my throat."

"Well yea I figured he'd be pretty good at fighting.  He was married to Madonna for quite a while."

"Using Maya is a lot like having a pedophile for an uncle.  You have to invite him over for Christmas dinner but no one actually wants him there."

"Either short shorts are making a substantial come back or there are a sh*t ton of gay men at my gym."

If someone wanted to take 300 million dollars of mine I'd spend 200 million creating a bullet that made people disintegrate like in the first Blade movie and shoot her. Then I'd sell my technology to the US military for 200 million. Problem solved and it didn't cost me a penny. Also terrorism would pretty much end. I mean being willing to die for your cause is one thing but being willing to be disintegrated? No one wants that.

"If it were actually organic wouldn't it just be called Milk?"

"They are just better.  It's the only Ethnic group classified as a "fetish" on porn sites so... I think we can all just agree on this."

"Whales are just fat people under water."

"I'd have no problems what so ever having sex with a 9 foot smurf."

"Dude it's your wife who cares?  Just wipe it off when you are done.  What's she gonna do call the police?"

"Religion only sounds legit because it's old.  If I told you I walked on water on Thursday you'd just say I was a dick."

"I would literally pitch a tent inside her ass and live there."

"Being chained to a fence post and molested by porcupines is actually better than the Maya experience."

If peanut butter were a woman I'd ask her to marry me. I mean ultimately I'd probably cheat on her but it wouldn't be for a few years. Which is a pretty serious commitment when you think about it.

"A couple things will definately happen.  You will be spit on and you will be choked.  It's like the sun rise.  It just happens."

"If you're dumb enough to do it then you're big enough to be hit back.  You don't see me picking fights with human beings that outweigh me by 100lbs do you?"

"Look sweetie, I'll love you before and after.  But during, I just wanna see your asshole."

"Whole foods is kind of a dick."

"Well yea, they have tiny eyes that allow them to focus on small details."

"Omg finally.  I would have hit her ages ago."

"I think we can all agree that seeing a photo of a polar bear on a block of ice is very cute.  But stop making it seem like he's stranded on there because there is no ice left.  If you would just pan to the left a little bit you'd probably see that there is a sh*t ton more of it off camera.  He's probably just laying out there like I do when I  go the pool.  Or maybe he just ate and he's sleeping.  Give me some fu*#ing context for the photo Al.

"Well Singapore is cleaner but yea the subway was clean as hell. It makes the US subway system look like a ....a... a French subway system."

"Sweet we finally signed the nuclear treaty forcing the U.S. and Russia to only keep 1,550 nuclear bombs each. That's fantastic! Well unless we decide to use any of them. Ok wait so what is the point of the treaty again?"

"I won't ever ejaculate prematurely. It's at the exact moment it need ls to be. And not a moment sooner."

"Wait you mean it's gotten hotter? No sh*t. 10,000 years ago half of North America was 1 mile under ice. I didn't see any polar bears on my way to work today so yea I'd say it has gotten hotter. I'm pretty sure that hummers didn't cause that."

"No I don't catch girls when they fall.  How about you just don't fall.  I managed to make it to the car just fine."

 "All animals are to some degree, homosexual. Especially men. When you find yourself watching a porn and there is like 1 girl taking on 4 guys. The dick to pussy ratio is way out of proportion at this point and no matter how you want to spin it...you're looking at way more dick at that point than anything."